Paul Ross Reviews EVERYTHING
Paul writes:

"Hmm. Maybe not the best idea to take one of these pills just an hour before visiting dear old Granny Ross in her sheltered accomodation. It was a HUG FOLLOWED BY AN AWKWARD SILENCERRIFIC FIVE STAR EXPERIENCE!!!"

Paul writes:

"Hmm. Maybe not the best idea to take one of these pills just an hour before visiting dear old Granny Ross in her sheltered accomodation. It was a HUG FOLLOWED BY AN AWKWARD SILENCERRIFIC FIVE STAR EXPERIENCE!!!"

Paul writes:

"I like to think I’m a ‘with it’ and ‘groovy’ kinda guy. Hey, I still listen to modern bands and singers such as Howard Jones, Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran. And sometimes I even listen to alternative rock groups - the edgier stuff such as Ocean Colour Scene, Cornershop and Kula Shaker. So imagine my delight when I found myself in a Welcome Break on the A48(M) on my way to Newport and happened across Crispian Mills refilling the condom machine in the gents lavatory! It was a COVER A DEEP PURPLE SONG AND THEN DISAPPEAR WITHOUT A TRACEAMONGOUS FIVE STAR TOILET ENCOUNTER!!!"

Paul writes:

"I like to think I’m a ‘with it’ and ‘groovy’ kinda guy. Hey, I still listen to modern bands and singers such as Howard Jones, Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran. And sometimes I even listen to alternative rock groups - the edgier stuff such as Ocean Colour Scene, Cornershop and Kula Shaker. So imagine my delight when I found myself in a Welcome Break on the A48(M) on my way to Newport and happened across Crispian Mills refilling the condom machine in the gents lavatory! It was a COVER A DEEP PURPLE SONG AND THEN DISAPPEAR WITHOUT A TRACEAMONGOUS FIVE STAR TOILET ENCOUNTER!!!"

Paul writes:

"I had no idea what to expect when I went to the theatre last night to see Jeremy Clarkson’s controversial portrayal of a black man in Jim Davidson’s new play, ‘Jungle James and the Banana Gang’. I certainly didn’t expect it to be a RACISTTASTIC FIVE STAR POWERHOUSE PERFORMANCE!!! NICK NICK!!!"

Paul writes:

"I had no idea what to expect when I went to the theatre last night to see Jeremy Clarkson’s controversial portrayal of a black man in Jim Davidson’s new play, ‘Jungle James and the Banana Gang’. I certainly didn’t expect it to be a RACISTTASTIC FIVE STAR POWERHOUSE PERFORMANCE!!! NICK NICK!!!"

As a man who has seen everything and experience things that even gods could not imagine, you must have witnessed the fantastic internet pound shop review series, Steve Charnock's Discount World. What rating would you give it, Paul?

Hello, Charnock!

I must confess I’d never heard of Steve Charnock’s Discount World until you brought it to my attention, but now I have I have no hesitation in giving your Internet-based discount review video show a BALDING MAN SITTING IN HIS DIRTY BEDROOM DRINKING COUGH MEDICINE AND EATING PIGS’ TROTTERS UNTIL HIS GIRLFRIEND THREW HIM OUTERRIFIC …


Paul writes:

"Do you like licorice? Do you like fusing your jaws together? Do you like experiencing a mild case of the collywobbles as sugar courses through your body and your tongue swells to twice its normal size and turns black? It’s like experiencing the first symptoms of an horrific Medieval plague without the need to be locked in your house and left to die slowly! And that’s why I’m awarding these sweets a NO HONESTLY IT’S JUST FOOD DYE AND NOT SOMETHING I PICKED UP IN THE AMAZON RAINFORESTELICIOUS FIVE STARS!!!"

Paul writes:

"Do you like licorice? Do you like fusing your jaws together? Do you like experiencing a mild case of the collywobbles as sugar courses through your body and your tongue swells to twice its normal size and turns black? It’s like experiencing the first symptoms of an horrific Medieval plague without the need to be locked in your house and left to die slowly! And that’s why I’m awarding these sweets a NO HONESTLY IT’S JUST FOOD DYE AND NOT SOMETHING I PICKED UP IN THE AMAZON RAINFORESTELICIOUS FIVE STARS!!!"

Paul writes:

"I … this is … erm … A CATTASTIC CLOTH CAT-HEAD THING ATTACHED TO MUSLIN STRANDSAMONGOUS FIVE MYSTERIOUS STARS!!!"

Paul writes:

"I … this is … erm … A CATTASTIC CLOTH CAT-HEAD THING ATTACHED TO MUSLIN STRANDSAMONGOUS FIVE MYSTERIOUS STARS!!!"

Hi Paul. Could you review cannabis please? I like to think it might get a doobietastic FIVE STARS. Here's hoping. Love the show, keep up the strong work.

Hello, Mr. Don’t-Think-Too-Much!

Thanks for getting in touch!

I gave cannabis a whirl yesterday afternoon and the drug took me on a non-stop roller-coaster ride of sitting on the sofa, listening to some records and eating quite a lot of toast. My wife came in at one stage and asked me if I was going to put up some shelves. I found this immensely funny for some reason. And that’s why cannabis gets a QUITE TIRED AT NINE O’CLOCK AT NIGHTERRIFIC FIVE SLEEPY STARS!!!

Paul writes:
"Roll up! Roll up! You’ll have a BUNderful time tucking into these breadelicious rolls brought to you by the good people at Potterson’s Bakery, Cakery & Sewage Management Services Ltd. (just off Junction 12 of the M6)! My belly’s full enough to award these little beauties a BAPTASTIC FIVE STARS!!!"

Paul writes:

"Roll up! Roll up! You’ll have a BUNderful time tucking into these breadelicious rolls brought to you by the good people at Potterson’s Bakery, Cakery & Sewage Management Services Ltd. (just off Junction 12 of the M6)! My belly’s full enough to award these little beauties a BAPTASTIC FIVE STARS!!!"

Paul writes:

"If you like watching two men shouting into each others’ faces about cooking as much as I do, you’ll love this show! Whether they’re bellowing about bread, or thundering about chutney, these two larger-than-life judges ensure Masterchef is a ROARING UNCONTROLLABLY INCHES AWAY FROM EACH OTHERS’ NOSES ABOUT WHAT’S COMING UP IN THE NEXT ROUNDERIFFIC FIVE STAR TASTY TREAT!!!"

Paul writes:

"If you like watching two men shouting into each others’ faces about cooking as much as I do, you’ll love this show! Whether they’re bellowing about bread, or thundering about chutney, these two larger-than-life judges ensure Masterchef is a ROARING UNCONTROLLABLY INCHES AWAY FROM EACH OTHERS’ NOSES ABOUT WHAT’S COMING UP IN THE NEXT ROUNDERIFFIC FIVE STAR TASTY TREAT!!!"

Paul writes:

"You’re probably surprised to see the former front man of Babylon Zoo featured here on Paul Ross Reviews EVERYTHING, but he is a thing, I’m Paul Ross and I’m reviewing EVERYTHING. So here he is. And what a thing he is! He may not be singing a song off of an advert to adoring crowds of almost one hundred people in 1996 any more, but he still knows a thing or two about pleasing an audience as he serves hungry motorists their burgers, fries and milkshakes at the M62 Ferrybridge branch of Burger King with courtesy and care! And for that, he earns himself a JASPER MANNINGELICIOUS FIVE SPACEMAN STARS!!!"

Paul writes:

"You’re probably surprised to see the former front man of Babylon Zoo featured here on Paul Ross Reviews EVERYTHING, but he is a thing, I’m Paul Ross and I’m reviewing EVERYTHING. So here he is. And what a thing he is! He may not be singing a song off of an advert to adoring crowds of almost one hundred people in 1996 any more, but he still knows a thing or two about pleasing an audience as he serves hungry motorists their burgers, fries and milkshakes at the M62 Ferrybridge branch of Burger King with courtesy and care! And for that, he earns himself a JASPER MANNINGELICIOUS FIVE SPACEMAN STARS!!!"